How and Why to Bite Your Tongue

Don’t interrupt. It’s obvious; we know. Still it’s very difficult.  I speak from personal experience—after decades of paying attention to how important it is to wait until the other person is finished, I often cut them off anyway. I find it especially difficult to remember around friends and family.

According to Deborah Tannen, the linguist and author, some of us—me included—have a “high involvement” communication style. We “overlap” the other person’s speech. This can work—if the person you’re talking with has a similar style. And if what they’re talking about is more informational than deeply emotional.

Others have a “high considerateness” style. These people generally seek more clear pauses and want more order to the conversation.

Talking when you should be listening. Teaching when learning would serve you better.

In most cases it would be more respectful and helpful if I listened, instead of talked and learned, instead of tried to teach.

Why do we interrupt?

It can be helpful to identify what causes your interruptions:

•Are you trying to be supportive? To show you understand what the speaker is saying?
•Are you feeling crunched for time? Trying to move the conversation along?
•Are you more interested in sharing what you know rather than learning?
•Are you trying to show your expertise? Prove something?
•Are you worried that you’ll forget what you were going to say, if you wait until the other person is finished speaking?

Some things to try:

1. Notice when you interrupt

When you cut someone off, stop (even mid-sentence) and say something like: “sorry; I really want to hear what you have to say.” (This new habit will take time to develop and some courage.)

2. Enlist family or friends to help

Ask people you trust to respectfully remind you when you’ve cut them off. Ask for a do-over.

3. Create a cue to remind yourself

Sometimes sticky notes can help-in your car, on your bathroom mirror, at your desk at work. Find a word or phrase that you’ll be comfortable with others seeing—maybe “listen” or “pause.”

4. Track your progress

Initially just notice and count the number of times each day that you interrupt someone.
After a week or so, set a realistic goal and acknowledge your progress.
Some people find that self-acknowledgment works even better coupled with a reward.

When we click off or tune out before we’re sure we’ve heard and understand the speaker’s entire message, we cut ourselves off from some potentially useful information or insights. And, interrupting is not only disrespectful to the person being interrupted, but hurts you as the leader or manager. Sure, some of your team may be thick-skinned and more Teflon like. Others, though, will be put off and therefore less productive, loyal, or creative. Call or email us if you want to increase your positive connection with your team or just plain want to improve your listening skills.

Why You Should Listen More Than You Talk

Of the relationship-enhancing skills our clients practice getting better at, listening is often the one that makes the biggest difference—whether you’re trying to acquire or keep a client, solve a problem, or build a culture of productivity and autonomy.

Listening strategy number one—Listen more than you talk.

Why:

• If you understand what motivates people, you will understand how to more effectively influence them. You get that information by listening.

• People are more likely to listen carefully to you, if they know you have listened carefully to them.

• Everyone likes to be listened to. So listen and people will feel more positive, and that makes them more productive and open to new ideas.

• People virtually never get bored when they’re talking about themselves. In a conversation where you are listening to them, they will tend to remember you as interesting. And interesting makes you memorable.

But aren’t people paying to get my expertise; my answers to professional questions? Don’t they care if I’m well informed and knowledgeable? Yes, and:

• Yes, they are. And they can hear you best after they’re sure you understand them and what they’re concerned about. After they are convinced you respect and even care about them as individuals.

• Rebalancing your talking to listening ratio opens the door to people being able to hear your professional guidance.

But what if I’m getting bored?

• First remind yourself that this is about them not you. Then:

• Try asking a question. A truly curious question is a great demonstration that you’re listening. So ask and then listen some more.

What if they have misunderstood something and I need to correct it?

• Wait for them to stop talking—be certain it is a stop not just a pause.

• Then give them a quick update and ask if they want to know more about it. If they don’t, listen some more.

What if they ask a question?

• Give a brief answer.

Know that the odds are your brief answer is too long for them. Try making one quick point and ask if that answers their question.

The odds are also great that they didn’t make their real question clear or you misunderstood it to start with.
Primarily you need to remind yourself that a question shouldn’t change the ratio of listening to talking.

A heads up:

• Most people badly misjudge how much of the time they talk versus listen. Most men have a tendency to both talk more and judge their ratio of talk to listening more poorly than most women.

Practice:

• Consciously try to listen twice as much as you talk. If in doubt, you’re probably talking too much.

• Put a reminder in front of you.

“Listen more!” is one possibility.
“What subtle information did you miss?” Might tweak your awareness to listen more.
“Ask curious questions.” Is another possibility.
“Listened lately?” is a bit more in your face.

• Use your phone’s stopwatch function to track when you’re talking—start this with a trusted colleague or in team meetings and tell everyone what you’re doing. Your activity will remind everyone to only say what’s important, and to listen! Tracking any behavior tends to keep it more front and center in your mind.

Bottom Line:

You can virtually never get into trouble listening.

Want to be better than just not getting in trouble? Listen even some more. Our clients have told us that the active practice they get in meetings with us, as well as being accountable, has helped vastly increased their listening skills—resulting in more clients, more satisfaction among their team, and more pleasure for them going to work each day.

Call or email us if you think it would be useful to move your communication skills forward.

Encouraging Positive Behavior

People need people. This was brought to my attention again when Jay was reading Deep Survival a book about the attitudes and behaviors that survivors of accidents and natural disasters exhibit. Many lost adults don’t stay still so that they can be found during a grid search. They keep moving in an apparent attempt to reconnect with other people—anything but spending time alone. To be seen is to feel alive, safe and significant.

There is often a similar longing to be seen in the work environment. Team members want and need acknowledgments as much as lost hikers. It is necessary to pay employees, but that isn’t sufficient to motivate the best critical thinking or creativity. One of the techniques leaders need to develop is the ability to make a team member feel seen at a time that encourages them to repeat a positive action, attitude or effort.

Here are some ways to give a little acknowledgment in everyday situations:

Brighten just a bit each time a person looks at you and they will tend to look again. Jay and I use this technique to get people to focus on me when they’re talking to a group. And conversely you can look down or look away to encourage them to address someone else.

Say “Thank You!” when people give you tough feedback and they will tend to continue the behavior of daring to risk your displeasure.

Acknowledge a project or task that is completed on time and the positive attention will tend to nudge the employee toward getting the next one done on time.

Say a cheerful “Good Morning” right away when a chronically tardy employee shows up on time and you’re more likely to see a bit more on-time behavior.

If you work for someone, you might try completing a project early when it’s handed out early and holding it back until the last minute when it’s given to you late. This is different from the traditional “passive-aggressive” attitude because you’re working toward a solution that is intended to help both of you. You just need to be very clear that the goal is a smoother working relationship, not just one that satisfies you.

Say hi to team members as if they’re the one you’re pleased to see and they will more likely act like someone you want to see.

Positive feedback, smiles and noticing others’ constructive behaviors, all increase the odds of a repeat performance.

For more ways to increase your effectiveness and influence the outcomes you’re looking for, please call us at 978-446-9600 or email us.

Jay’s book Simple Steps to Change: Your Business, Your Life is a good resource, with lots of ideas, as well. You can read parts of it or purchase it on Amazon.

I Wonder Why

Asking questions communicates respect and can inspire teams to become more independent problem solvers. The following is a conversation Jay had with one of our brightest and funniest clients.

Jay: “When you think about increasing your team’s ability to think through business and professional complications, what approach are you using? How is it working for you?”

Client: “Why do I have to explain everything to them fifteen times? They have a procedure manual and I’ve told them what to do. They just can’t think for themselves.” Client starts with derision.

Jay wondered:  “What’s getting in their way of understanding what to do? Or is there just some reason they’re uncomfortable doing it?”

Client: “I pay them to do it. Why wouldn’t they just do it?” Client allows his frustration to take the lead.

Jay: “That is the question isn’t it. Why wouldn’t they?”

Client: “They’re stupid! They don’t care! They’re lazy!” He begins a well-rehearsed rant, but with a small smile of recognition breaking out on his face.

Jay: “All those are possible reasons, but is there some other reason you’re not seeing?”

Client: “Do you see something?” He challenges.

Jay: “I really don’t know what’s going on, so I would probably ask them if they know.”

Client: “Oh, you want me to ask one of those damn questions don’t you?” His statement is full of playful derision aimed at me.

Jay: “Only if you actually have something you’re really curious about.”

Client: With a grin, “I already know everything.”

Jay: “Then I must not be creating enough safety right now to allow you to admit what you don’t know and to consider other possibilities. I’m sorry,” Jay’s says with a grin back at him. “You have more experience with them, so I’m really asking, is there any possibility they can tell us what you might do differently?”

Client: In fake exasperation he challenges, “You’re such a pain. Why do I have to ask questions? Why can’t I just tell them what to do?”

Jay: “You already do that. How’s that working?”

Client: “Shut up!” He grins again.

Jay: “I’ve told you before to ask questions, but you don’t do it. Do you forget? Does your frustration push you to look for a quick solution or is there something else going on that I’m missing?”

Client: “Questions are your thing. I’m a teller.”

Jay: “I’m curious, how does telling encourage people to think? When I try it with you, you just resist.”

Client: “Your damn questions drive me crazy, but at least I have to think of an answer instead of just disagreeing.”

Jay: “So what do you think our next step should be?”

Client: “Alright! Alright! I’ll ask them some questions.”

Jay: “Any thoughts what you’ll ask them?”