Questions versus Telling

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A young couple, who were six months into a manufacturing startup, called to set an appointment to talk about their bedding product business. We asked how it was going in general, and they reported they were selling product and just barely meeting expenses. We set a time to stop by for a tour and a discussion.

Almost before they started our tour of their assembly shop we began to see some of the issues—their organic product line was so expensive it constricted their customer base to a tiny, upper-income niche when their natural market was more student based, they had hired college-educated assemblers with corresponding wages, and their facility was located in high-rent Cambridge, Mass.

By the time we finished the tour we were pretty sure we had a few really practical solutions—broaden the product line, hire cheaper labor and move. But we didn’t share our diagnosis and we didn’t give them any advice. We asked a question: Do you have specific problems you’d like help thinking through?

They did, and those weren’t the same problems we had been ready to solve. They wanted advice on creating a profit-sharing plan that would be pleasing and motivating to their college friends—those assemblers. They wondered how to find cheaper suppliers of organic materials, and by the way, they loved living and working in Cambridge—a different set of questions than we assumed. Our thoughts would have to wait until we developed a trusting professional relationship by addressing their questions.

We are a culture that values knowing and telling, and this often leads us into giving answers before we ask important questions about things like, what is the problem the other person wants to solve and how far have they gotten with possible solutions.  We tend to feel our status is enhanced by telling, that telling what we know shows our competence, or that just telling it speeds up problem solving and implementation.

We see this all the time in day-to-day interactions between leaders we work with and their teams. Recently a team member interrupted a meeting I was in with a company CEO. She asked, “What do you want me to do about the problem with the regulatory reports?”

He answered, “Like I told you, draft a response letter and show it to me.” When she left he expressed frustration, “How many times do I have to tell her?”

I asked if she would really know the answer to her own question, if she thought about it. He said she might. I asked what question he might ask that would force her to think it through. He came up with a reasonable initial question and began considering the effects of asking it. I then asked did he know if she was comfortable trying things without initially checking the details with him. He said he had never thought of asking her.

I didn’t need to suggest solutions to his problem; I needed to ask questions that neither of us knew the answer to. He didn’t need to tell his person what to do; he needed to find out what was getting in the way of her solving the problem on her own.

If you can actually stay curious, and demonstrate it by asking the right kind of questions, you encourage learning by both you and the other person. Being truly curious—humbly inquiring, not setting them up to answer your way—can help the other person drop their defensiveness and their need to know and begin to think.

Let me start this whole piece again.

How effective are you at getting other people to listen and learn when you keep telling them what to do?

Small Changes Lead to Big Results

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Many of us want to change a habit. We want to lose weight, procrastinate less, stop smoking, exercise more, be more disciplined about our spending, get less irritated with people, and so on.

Instead of tackling a new change head on, you can start to exercise your self-discipline muscle in small, consistent ways that don’t seem obvious. For example, if I’m trying to get myself to spend less money, I can build my discipline muscle by resisting my chocolate craving by 10 minutes.

In other words, if you practice changing one habit, it can carry over to changing another habit. This builds a base from which to make other changes. If you teach yourself to wait to eat the chocolate, you are teaching yourself to control an impulse.  If you keep this up, you build increased ability to resist the urge to do things the old way. You can start by pushing back against a small established habit.

  • Spend 5 minutes thinking about tomorrow’s projects
  • Resist checking emails or texts for a couple of minutes when you normally would
  • Stall for five minutes when you want a snack, coffee, cigarette or game of “Angry Birds”
  • Park slightly farther away in the lot
  • Take a different route to work
  • Brush your teeth with your opposite hand
  • Turn off the radio, music and TV and allow your world to be quiet for a few minutes while exercising, driving or walking

There are countless other possibilities; try ideas that feel interesting or of value. Just keep them small and easy to do. The idea is to practice light repetitions that require increased focus; don’t strain yourself.

If you want to increase performance on the job, in a sport, or in your personal life, we can help you stay on track.

Strategies to Tackle Tasks You’re Avoiding

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I regularly find myself avoiding some tasks I have taken responsibility to finish. Inertia, distraction, low energy, some aspect of the task I’m inexperienced or weak in, continually forgetting and so many other obstructions regularly get in my way. Of course one of the most frustrating of the tasks I forget to do is to schedule time to do that specific task.

Here are a few of many ideas we use with our clients to get more of their “Can’t Get Started” tasks done.

  • If you haven’t gotten to a particular task, then the odds are pretty good you’re avoiding it. You need to plan a specific way to get started.
  • It can help to identify why you’re avoiding that specific task.
    • Is it unclear? Then clarify it now.
    • Is it actually a multiple step process involving many tasks? Call it a project and then identify a discrete “Next Action”
      and put that on your task list. Do that one thing and identify the next “Next Action.”
    • It may have a deadline, but have you assigned a start date? Start dates are one way to kick your own butt into gear. On the start date do something. Do not skip it. Take a small step.
    • Have you put a time in your calendar to work on the task? Never cancel or skip without rescheduling beforehand.
    • Do you frequently have items that are languishing on your task list? Create a regularly scheduled time to work on “Can’t Get Started” items. This can be as little as 10 minutes every day, maybe first thing in the morning or right after lunch? Or twice a week for 30 minutes to an hour. When the time arrives, pick the hardest item on your list and just start it. If you get it done start the next until the time is up.
    • Do you have an up to date and complete task list? If not, you’re missing the most powerful tool to move tasks from recognition to completion. Only attempt to hold tasks in your head if you don’t value reliability, integrity, high level of performance, creativity, low stress, and other quality of work and life performance measures i.e., write them down!

The most important step you can take is to start the task, even if you only do a very simple step. Then just do the next simple step. Eventually you will gain the momentum you need.

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Organizing and productivity steps are simple to understand, but they are hard to implement. Having support and an experienced problem solver in your corner can make the difference between just wishing and actually accomplishing. Birke Consulting understands people and knows how to help you implement. Give us a call.

If Only You Had

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Is your goal to have a complete picture of everything you did that caused you to misstep? Or is it to improve your performance next time?

Don’t be seduced by the temptation to dissect your latest failure down to its bowels and then beat yourself up for the collapse of your grand plans. Keep in mind the outcome you want – an even better performance next time. To achieve this end you do need to take a clear eyed look at your performance, which will include your failings and weaknesses. And then you need to scan for evidence of strengths you can build on.

The balance of your time, attention and interest needs to be on how you might improve your next performance and that is about “If only I had” rather than “If only I hadn’t.” By looking at what you might do differently you’re ready to notice new solutions, to be more open to new ways of thinking and to start to move toward success rather than to get stuck in critical self-flagellation.

Take three steps:

1.    Review your actions and attitude that accompanied the breakdown
2.    Consider what you might have done differently to produce a success
3.    Practice the new action and attitude before they’re needed

In order to be an effective coach for yourself in the heat of your next disappointment, prepare a simple coaching prompt that encourages you to keep looking forward. Think about the situation where you might use a prompt and practice saying it until you are sure it will remind you of exactly what you need to do.

•    The coaching prompt might be – “If only I had”
•    Use it when you feel yourself getting caught by feelings of self-recrimination, disappointment or discouragement.
•    “If only I had” “If only I had” – “I need to let the failure go and think about what I could have done differently.”

Practice can of course be actual physical, out-loud verbal or visualization and internal. Remember, if you recently failed to achieve what you think was a realistic goal, in the process you practiced an ineffective action or approach. So you will be ready to use it automatically next time, you need to invest some time practicing a different approach.

Often having a coach to practice with makes all the difference. We’re here to help.

Trust Builds the Strongest Relationships

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Trust is as necessary to a business or professional relationship as oil is to an engine; without it, eventually everything grinds to a halt or comes apart. (And of course it is essential in personal relationships as well.) So what is trust exactly?

A Wharton/State Street Study identified three kinds of trust that are important to relationships.

1. Trust of Someone’s Competence

Of course, our clients want first and foremost to know we can do the job and  that we can deliver what we promise. Clients want a dentist who uses the  latest techniques and technology, a financial adviser who will make them money (or at least keep them from losing a lot when the market is turbulent) and a coach who will teach them the skills they need to know how to increase business, create a motivated team, or build a solid practice.

2. Trust in Someone’s Ethical Conduct and Character

Pretty obvious that our clients want to be confident we aren’t going to rip them off. A fundamental yet critical question is: “Do I trust you not to take advantage of me or to steal my money?”

3. Trust in Someone’s Empathic Skills and Maturity

In today’s marketplace, it isn’t enough to appear competent and trustworthy. Our clients are sophisticated and want exceptional service—including a kind of understanding and personal treatment that includes being listened to and understood. “If I reveal personal things about myself or my family, I need to trust that you, my advisor or coach, will handle that in way that is comfortable for me.”

A strong empathetic or relationship competence (think emotional intelligence!) may be the most critical area of trust, because without it the professional relationship is more fragile than it appears, and chances are we won’t be the ones to notice it’s weak or failing. (Research has proven again and again that there is a tremendous gap between how much trust our clients actually feel and what we think they feel.) Without a strong trust factor, there is little chance of enthusiastic referrals, loyalty in tough times or complete client follow through on professional advice.

Few professionals are able to develop relationship trust beyond the base level they just “naturally” attain with clients. Fewer still are reasonable judges of the impact of their particular brand of empathy. If this is a new area for you, you’re not alone. Most professionals are trained in numbers, the law, or some other  logical, left-brain skills. Relationship building isn’t just a natural skill  or there would be fewer divorces and having this skill wouldn’t be a professionally competitive advantage.   There are some fairly simple skills you can learn that will boost your “empathy competency” with a minimal investment of time and energy. My clients have been stunned by how quickly they have been able to learn and implement ideas. Often the day after our coaching session, they tell me: “I tried your suggestion and it worked!”

Excellent client rapport builds thriving, resilient practices. Add these skills to your toolbox for increased business. Side benefits often include better communication with employees, colleagues and family, and less angst and more satisfaction in your work. To stand out in this competitive marketplace, we can help you become a professional who clients are excited to talk about. We teach our clients how to increase interpersonal awareness, gain comfort in using emotionally empathic responses in financial, medical or legal conversations and thereby boost trust and client loyalty. Call us!