Listening Strategy Number 2- Reflective Listening

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Continuing on our recent theme of listening: here’s another strategy that is easy to implement and can make a big difference. You have probably heard the term “Active Listening”—repeating key pieces of a talker’s message to confirm you are listening and understand. Reflective Listening is similar but adds a dose of curiosity and mindfulness. This higher-quality listening can save time, prevent future misunderstandings or mistakes, and create stronger team loyalty.

So what is reflective listening?

When you’re reflectively listening, you’re seeking to understand a speaker’s thought or idea, then offering their idea back in your own words to confirm you’ve understood correctly. You also try to imagine and reflect back what’s beneath their words—to reflect what the speaker is feeling as well as thinking.

How to reflectively listen:

• After listening, use your own words to repeat key points you think the person was attempting to make.
• Check with them to be certain you’ve heard them correctly.
• If they explain that you don’t quite have it, repeat back your corrected understanding.
• Share your impressions of what seems to feel emotionally important to them.

Examples:

• “I hear that you are concerned about my suggestion that we shut our doors to reduce distractions. It’s clear this is very important to you.”
• “It sounds to me like you are frustrated about my response this past week.”
• “Let me reflect what I heard. You think we could generate revenue by adding a service to our estimate process. You have an idea how this could be simple and not take much time. You haven’t nailed down the details yet, but you’d like my initial thoughts to help guide your next steps.”

 “I also hear that you are worried your idea will be rejected because you don’t have the details spelled out.”

Caveat: Too busy?

The time you spend listening and reflecting will avoid wasting time sorting out misunderstandings and missteps after the fact.

It’s this easy:
• Take a breath and pay attention to quickly confirm any main points or ideas.
• Deliberately scan and confirm each key concept.
• Keep your review and reflections short and efficient. Avoid long monologues, open-ended questions, and new topics.

Recall Practice
Initially, you can try recall sessions to practice reflecting. (adapted from a book-in-progress that Jay and I are working on)

If you can’t find time to practice in real-time during your work day, sitting at your desk, or on your drive home, take time to think through a conversation you had during the day. Then reflect out loud what you didn’t feel like you had time to say on the spot.

With a bit of practice, you will be able to reflectively listen without appreciably slowing down conversations—you’ll save misstep-time with a minimal investment in reflecting-time.

• “Let me be sure I understand. You are planning to call the client and set up a meeting to talk about the problem, but you are worried that we don’t really have a good path to correct the issue.”
• “Am I hearing concern that you will be blamed?”

If no examples come to mind, you might ask yourself one of these questions to stimulate reflections:

• What did I slide over that might be worth thinking about or revisiting?
• What did she say that I might not be positive I heard fully?
• What was the emotional tone of the conversation?
• Did I really understand what was important to them?

Your awareness will be enhanced by just considering questions—eventually you will tend to notice those things you have asked yourself questions about.

When you are trying to strengthen a relationship, reflecting deeper messages or emotions can communicate that you respect the speaker and value their ideas. Email or call 978-446-9600 if you want to save time avoiding missteps, create a stronger connection with your team, build a more fun and interesting place to work, learn how to enhance your relationships at work (and as a natural byproduct with family and friends).

Influence, the Wave of the Future

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It seems clear to us that the next area of innovation is a return to one of the oldest of human endeavors—influencing valuable people to join you in pursuit of a common goal.

Yes, there are impressive technological advances still in the pipeline, let alone in the imagination of developers and entrepreneurs. Our relationship to healthcare and the wider world community will continue to change—although forward or backward can be debated. Cars will soon drive us, houses will stay one step ahead of our commands, and clothes will do more than warm and adorn us. Additional services that we hadn’t even imagined were necessary will become the norm.

But none of these potential advances, or other undreamed of ones, will proceed along their most effective paths unless you—the current and future leaders—are able to attract and nurture individuals and the teams they form. The brightest, most creative, most dedicated producers of value will only join your enterprise if you are genuinely able to step away from a self-centered approach to leadership and become a catalyst who assists them reach their goals and dreams. They will carry your dreams on their shoulders as they strive to achieve their own ambitions.

We see too many business leaders impatiently push instead of quietly influencing, value loyalty over creativity, or act like their vision is the only one that counts. Even leaders who are sensitive to the feelings of their employees seem to forget at times that their enterprises will only flourish if individuals are encouraged to thrive in their careers, lives, and dreams.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks for most leaders is an inflated sense of their own ability to master work relationships and influence important people. How are you doing? If you see no weaknesses in your approach to team members, a caution flag should go up. If you recognize an area that could use upgrading and you haven’t set aside time to work on improving it, then you are giving an advantage to your competitors every time you attempt to attract or keep a major contributor.

A first step is to ask yourself questions, and take time to consider the answers:

•How am I doing?
•What are other people doing better?
•What am I avoiding?
•What habit should I be mastering?
•What are my priorities?
•Who do I wish I could entice to work for me?

The next step is to make a plan for addressing your weakness. It’s difficult to recognize your own failings, because they will tend to sit in your blind spot. Even if you think you can see them, they may be resistive to change because of other habits or attitudes you have—which can hide behind more obvious  shortcomings.

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Professional athletes depend on feedback from their coaches to see their lapses and improve their game. The best presenters and salespeople seek new ideas and analysis from specialty coaches. Musicians, actors, writers and so many others regularly request input from an experienced masters. Are you getting the feedback you need to improve your game? Arrange a strategy session today to explore how coaching can improve your ability to attract and retain high performing employees.

Surprising Problems with Praise

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Despite the common advice of many business coaches, praise can demotivate your team and make them skeptical. Praise, like sweeteners, needs to come in measured amounts and not taste artificial.

People do experience meaning and satisfaction when they hear those they respect value their contributions. But it doesn’t it follow that we should therefore lavish praise on members of our teams.

Research points out that too much or insincere praise creates less than desirable results. This appears to be true both at work and with our families. Overdone or generalized praise is quickly dismissed as worth little. If everything is “great”, then you’re not believable. Overusing expressions like “Amazing!” “Wow Experience!” “Great Job!” all lead other people to feel that your praise is worth less.

Do you understand what I’m saying? Great job! You’re an amazing reader! Something certainly smells rotten in my praise.

To make praise effective it needs to be sincere, specific and address the actual work or effort. And it needs to come in believable doses.

One clear way to avoid hyperbole and misunderstandings is to share acknowledgements instead of praise. They’re similar, but acknowledgements make a specific statement about the results of a person’s actions. They don’t give a label of good or great. They don’t base an evaluation on your judgment of the person. Acknowledgements speak about the effect of a person’s activities.

For good work that is a tad above a person’s normal performance levels or when a team member finally shows continuity over a period of time try something like:

“I noticed your effort today produced results.”
“I notice your quality is staying higher.”
“I noticed you are trying that approach we talked about.”
“You put some real effort into getting that job done on time. Thank you.”
“Having the reports on time has been helpful.”

Save praise for exceptional situations—and still consider using an acknowledgement instead. If you’re going to fall back on praise, keep it  believable and use it only for above average work. Stick with simple acknowledgements for basic work done well.

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Developing new leadership and managerial habits takes specific understanding and practice. We can help you:

Learn how to acknowledge and praise wisely
Ask curious questions
Listen effectively
Reward for effort, strategy and progress

And, as a bonus, a healthy dose of acknowledgements and praise from a coach will help you implement habits that will increase your and your team’s performance and satisfaction. Call or email today if you want to set up a time to consider what habits will bring the most leverage to changing your business and your life.

How the Best Leaders Listen and Respond

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I want to share two skills that are simple but take practice. We teach these to our clients to help them accomplish more and have fewer stressful debates with their team, clients—and even family members. If you are seeking more productivity, higher morale and more straightforward interactions, then give these a try.

When someone makes a statement that we disagree with, the most common response is to either ignore what they said or respond with all the reasons we don’t agree. There is a better way. Let me use an example I dealt with last month to illustrate what didn’t go well:

During a particularly hectic time at the company, Dave, the HR manager told John, his supervisor and our client—“We need to meet for 10-15 minutes each morning for the next couple of weeks to discuss the specific hires you’re looking for and possible ways to deal with the two employees who are under-performing.

John retorted, “No way! I can’t meet every day! I just don’t have the time.”

When John asked me for ideas about how to handle it better, I asked what he objected to. He said, “It’s ridiculous to think Dave and I can or need to meet every day.”

I asked what, if anything that Dave said that he had agreed with. He thought for a moment and said, “It makes sense that Dave understands the kind of person and attributes I’m looking for in the new employees.” He concurred that he wanted to have major input on how to document the under-performing employees because they probably would need to be terminated.

Suggestion 1:

If you agree, say so. Acknowledge the places of agreement.
If John wanted to change Dave’s suggestion and also give him credit for suggesting a solution instead of just waiting for a problem to develop, John could have said, “I agree that it would be a good idea for us to talk about the new hires and the documentation process.”

You don’t need to agree with everything said.  Team members will be encouraged to develop critical thinking skills by even partial agreement. So say out loud what you agree with.

Suggestion 2:

If you feel something was left out or needs to be altered, state your agreements first and then add to their thinking—build on their idea.

“I agree that it makes sense for us to meet; we need to talk about the new hires and what to do about the team members who are not performing. Because time is crunched, let’s meet twice next week and then evaluate where we are.”

By finding something to agree with you defuse a lot of the debates that start around people defending their suggestions. If you can limit the defensiveness and the debate time, you keep things moving. You’ll be surprised how often the points you disagreed with get dropped and everybody’s happy.

Close: What you do-and say-matters.  If you want your team to run more smoothly, think for themselves and make good decisions, consider calling or emailing us for ways to tweak your communication. Small changes can make a big difference—with team members, clients, and partners.  And, as one of my clients who keeps building skills – and seeing better results – reminds me, “It just feels better.”

Quick Ways to Improve Your Listening

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Again and again, Jay and I see our clients running into trouble because they’re distracted by their own ideas and internal rebuttals when they might profit more from paying attention to what their team members or clients are saying. Here are a few quick ideas to help tune up your listening skills so you can stay focused when you don’t think it’s important. Thanks to Jay for this article – adapted from his book in process – Simple Steps to Listening.

Here are some quick, straightforward ways to help you listen better and encourage people to share vital information with you:

If you recognize you are or were wrong, chances are you missed an opportunity to hear everything that was available to help you make the best choice. Next time try coaching yourself to really understand a variety of other peoples’ opinions before committing to an action.

If you start thinking before the other person is done talking, chances are you missed some piece of important information. Try asking a question that you don’t know the answer to.

“I’d like to understand where this data is from.”
“What specifically has led you to have this concern?”
“How would you implement your idea?”
“Do you have a suggestion how we could reduce the risk you are talking about?”

If you find yourself preparing a response before you’ve heard everything the other person wants to say, you aren’t listening anymore and you will miss something. Will it be important? I don’t know, but to be a little more confident that you know what was said remind yourself:

“Find the unusual insight in the stew of their ordinary ideas.”
“What if one of their ideas were a clue that might tell me something about the future which of their thoughts is the clue?”

If you’re irritated by the person speaking, your ability to listen may well be overwhelmed by your frustration. Try assuming that the other person is probably doing the best they can. Quickly make up one or two possible positive motivations they might have to do what they’re doing. Whether you’re right or wrong makes little difference. Even considering alternative positive motivations will make it easier to recover from frustration.

People want to be listened to, and knowing they are encourages them to share more. How does the person who’s talking, know that you’re listening to them?

Look at them, not somewhere else or right through them. Respond with specific comments:
“That’s an interesting idea.”
“I like the idea of a new website approach. Let’s focus on that for a minute.”
“Please repeat that last idea. I want to be sure I understand it.”

Repeat a detail-“If I understand you, you’re saying…”

And perhaps the most powerful evidence that you’re listening is the acknowledgement you offer.

And remember, listening and watching are both paying attention. In a sense, watching is listening with your eyes. People will feel respected if they feel “seen” or “listened to,” and acknowledgements also show that you’re paying attention.

“Thanks for explaining your idea. You got the ball rolling.”
“You created the original dashboard. That started all the innovative ideas.”
“I’ve noticed that you’re always on the lookout for potential risks.”
“You’re someone I depend on to keep us abreast of the latest possibilities in the field.”

Have you found ways to keep your attention focused when you want to be listening? Please send them to us. We’d love to share them with other readers. Go ahead. We’re listening.

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Learning to listen means taking good ideas and practicing them. Our coaching sessions on better listening encourage lots of relaxed practice where you can find your own voice. Contact us to discover the importance of listening whether you’re a collaborative leader or an authoritarian one. Boost your leadership potential and strengthen your personal relationships with coaching that matters. And if you can’t see the purpose in listening better, you should know that we think we can show you some pretty compelling reasons why your business will profit from the effort. Call or email us and we’ll discover together which of us needs to listen to the other.

Encouraging Positive Behavior

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People need people. This was brought to my attention again when Jay was reading Deep Survival a book about the attitudes and behaviors that survivors of accidents and natural disasters exhibit. Many lost adults don’t stay still so that they can be found during a grid search. They keep moving in an apparent attempt to reconnect with other people—anything but spending time alone. To be seen is to feel alive, safe and significant.

There is often a similar longing to be seen in the work environment. Team members want and need acknowledgments as much as lost hikers. It is necessary to pay employees, but that isn’t sufficient to motivate the best critical thinking or creativity. One of the techniques leaders need to develop is the ability to make a team member feel seen at a time that encourages them to repeat a positive action, attitude or effort.

Here are some ways to give a little acknowledgment in everyday situations:

Brighten just a bit each time a person looks at you and they will tend to look again. Jay and I use this technique to get people to focus on me when they’re talking to a group. And conversely you can look down or look away to encourage them to address someone else.

Say “Thank You!” when people give you tough feedback and they will tend to continue the behavior of daring to risk your displeasure.

Acknowledge a project or task that is completed on time and the positive attention will tend to nudge the employee toward getting the next one done on time.

Say a cheerful “Good Morning” right away when a chronically tardy employee shows up on time and you’re more likely to see a bit more on-time behavior.

If you work for someone, you might try completing a project early when it’s handed out early and holding it back until the last minute when it’s given to you late. This is different from the traditional “passive-aggressive” attitude because you’re working toward a solution that is intended to help both of you. You just need to be very clear that the goal is a smoother working relationship, not just one that satisfies you.

Say hi to team members as if they’re the one you’re pleased to see and they will more likely act like someone you want to see.

Positive feedback, smiles and noticing others’ constructive behaviors, all increase the odds of a repeat performance.

For more ways to increase your effectiveness and influence the outcomes you’re looking for, please call us at 978-446-9600 or email us.

Jay’s book Simple Steps to Change: Your Business, Your Life is a good resource, with lots of ideas, as well. You can read parts of it or purchase it on Amazon.

Successful Transitions

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The transition from an old to a new process or system, from a previous manager or key employee to a new hire, or any other change is tough. Understanding more about how to manage the process will make it all go a bit easier. With the right information you can make a difference between a successful transition and one that just doesn’t work well. This post highlights some aspects of change based on “The Transition Model,” by change expert William Bridges, whom I had the pleasure and opportunity to study with. Besides reviewing this article, you might also find it helpful to watch Change expert Naomi Karten and me discuss change and transition.  Coping with Chaos: Change and Transition

Even a positive change like a new piece of equipment can make people feel uncomfortable. The most common reaction to change is to second-guess it, or even resist or oppose it. By understanding why your team is dragging their feet or expressing reluctance, you will be in a better position to help them accept and ultimately support the change that is coming.

William Bridges distinguishes between changes—something that happens to us by our own choice or is thrust on us—and transitions—the process that happens in our minds and feelings as we go through a change.

Change can occur quickly, in a moment in time—the day we got a promotion; signing the closing papers on a home; buying the business; hiring a new office manager. But the internal transition is usually slower. It simply takes time to get used to a change.

There is a tendency to go through three stages as we move through a transition:

1. The Ending—things as we know them have changed.
2. The Neutral Zone—an often messy time sort of muddling about before moving on.
3. A New Beginning—a new status quo develops as the change is consolidated.

People move through transitions at different paces. Entrepreneurs may jump from an old to new business adjustment much more quickly than their employees or team members. Some people will need to linger in the Neutral Zone while trying to understand or accept a difficult feeling change.

Here are some ideas about how to help make a transition more efficient and comfortable so your team can execute as quickly as possible:

Endings

•Slow down the process in order to speed up the process. Invest the time now to eliminate future problems.
•Be open and transparent about what’s going to happen.
•Emphasize what will stay the same—values, schedules or whatever.
•Accept that there will be resistance. Listen to peoples’ feelings. Listen to concerns. Listen to fears. There will be denial, anger, sadness, disorientation, loss of identity, frustration, and uncertainty. Listen well.
•Be clear about how you will help them adjust. Offer training and resources they may need, which you’ll discover because you were listening!

The Neutral Zone

•The way you help your team prepare for the coming change will determine how long people may muddle about before getting on with the new change.
•Expect some people to feel overloaded and uncertain or confused. Others will feel impatient. It takes time to adjust to a new management system or style.
•The leader who pays attention can often find ways to offer support that will keep the process moving.

The New Beginning
You know you’ve arrived at a stage of acceptance and renewed energy when people begin to embrace the change. They start to see their efforts pay off and to feel more comfortable. Don’t let down now. You need to help your team sustain their energy and enthusiasm.

•Help people see how their personal goals connect to your long-term vision and objectives.
•Be certain everyone hears how team members implement the change successfully.
•Acknowledge peoples’ grit and persistence.

This is the quick executive summary but implementing any piece will likely help make the transition go more smoothly.

If you are about to implement some change, anything from hiring a new key team member to changing some part of your system, let us help you strategize how to more effectively implement the change. We can even come in to help your team see their way through it. If you’ve currently stalled, call or email us and we’ll show you how to get moving again.

First Understand, Then Resolve

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One of our colleagues sent us the following email upon receiving Jay’s new book Simple Steps to Change: Your Business, Your Life: “The segment below is so great it should be highlighted in bright lights. It’s so good. Should be required reading for everyone.” Here are a few excerpts along with our colleague’s favorite parts that are italicized in bold:

First Understand, Then Resolve

You need to plan for two or three conversation stages.

The goal for the initial stage is to become thoroughly familiar with each other’s point of view, thinking, and intuition. To gather this data, ask questions about anything you aren’t positive you understand and ask for confirmation that you’re correct on anything you think you do understand.

It is crucial for your understanding of the other person’s position that you help them feel safe, especially if they disagree with you or are sure you don’t understand them.

To create safety it’s better not to take an absolute stance as if you know best. You need to be equivocal in your statements and questions—meaning that you do not speak in absolutes, or as if you know something for sure.   

Listen Before You Leap

It is hard to have the patience to listen to someone when you’re pretty sure you already know what they are going to say. It can drive you up the wall if their point is obvious and they talk slowly or keep repeating each argument a number of times.

To check out that you still understand everything, ask the speaker if you heard them correctly. Repeating their main points will force you to listen. Then ask if you have missed anything.

If you want to enrich your bottom line, retain your best employees, and be on the leading edge of changes, listen patiently. Grit your teeth and pull your hair out, but listen!

Creating a Safe Space for a Hard Conversation

Here are some fundamentals for having a safe, non-confrontational conversation:

Use words and phrases that underline that you don’t know the Truth, that you only have some of the information. (This is almost always the case.) “My experience is…”, “From what I can see it looks like…”

Constantly ask questions that reflect your willingness to be corrected. “What am I missing?”, “Can you see something I’m missing?”

Do not try to convince someone that you’re right. You may be, but there is a good chance you’re only partially correct or not even quite that much.

Mostly listen and do very little talking until you understand what the other person is saying. It may help to repeat to yourself, “Listen carefully.” Or “Stop thinking of rebuttals and just listen for a while.”

Think about what assumptions you’re making and try to ask truly curious questions. “I’d like to understand better. Please share some of the information you’ve learned about why that is the case.”

Once you are fairly certain you understand each other, you need to move to the resolution conversation.

You can check out or order Simple Steps to Change: Your Business, Your Life on Kindle or softcover at http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=simple+steps+to+change+your+business.

If you would like us to send you the complete section of First Understand, Then Resolve, please email us. And, if you’d like the chance to put these important skills into practice, we’re here to help you. Just call or email.

I Wonder Why

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Asking questions communicates respect and can inspire teams to become more independent problem solvers. The following is a conversation Jay had with one of our brightest and funniest clients.

Jay: “When you think about increasing your team’s ability to think through business and professional complications, what approach are you using? How is it working for you?”

Client: “Why do I have to explain everything to them fifteen times? They have a procedure manual and I’ve told them what to do. They just can’t think for themselves.” Client starts with derision.

Jay wondered:  “What’s getting in their way of understanding what to do? Or is there just some reason they’re uncomfortable doing it?”

Client: “I pay them to do it. Why wouldn’t they just do it?” Client allows his frustration to take the lead.

Jay: “That is the question isn’t it. Why wouldn’t they?”

Client: “They’re stupid! They don’t care! They’re lazy!” He begins a well-rehearsed rant, but with a small smile of recognition breaking out on his face.

Jay: “All those are possible reasons, but is there some other reason you’re not seeing?”

Client: “Do you see something?” He challenges.

Jay: “I really don’t know what’s going on, so I would probably ask them if they know.”

Client: “Oh, you want me to ask one of those damn questions don’t you?” His statement is full of playful derision aimed at me.

Jay: “Only if you actually have something you’re really curious about.”

Client: With a grin, “I already know everything.”

Jay: “Then I must not be creating enough safety right now to allow you to admit what you don’t know and to consider other possibilities. I’m sorry,” Jay’s says with a grin back at him. “You have more experience with them, so I’m really asking, is there any possibility they can tell us what you might do differently?”

Client: In fake exasperation he challenges, “You’re such a pain. Why do I have to ask questions? Why can’t I just tell them what to do?”

Jay: “You already do that. How’s that working?”

Client: “Shut up!” He grins again.

Jay: “I’ve told you before to ask questions, but you don’t do it. Do you forget? Does your frustration push you to look for a quick solution or is there something else going on that I’m missing?”

Client: “Questions are your thing. I’m a teller.”

Jay: “I’m curious, how does telling encourage people to think? When I try it with you, you just resist.”

Client: “Your damn questions drive me crazy, but at least I have to think of an answer instead of just disagreeing.”

Jay: “So what do you think our next step should be?”

Client: “Alright! Alright! I’ll ask them some questions.”

Jay: “Any thoughts what you’ll ask them?”

Questions versus Telling

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A young couple, who were six months into a manufacturing startup, called to set an appointment to talk about their bedding product business. We asked how it was going in general, and they reported they were selling product and just barely meeting expenses. We set a time to stop by for a tour and a discussion.

Almost before they started our tour of their assembly shop we began to see some of the issues—their organic product line was so expensive it constricted their customer base to a tiny, upper-income niche when their natural market was more student based, they had hired college-educated assemblers with corresponding wages, and their facility was located in high-rent Cambridge, Mass.

By the time we finished the tour we were pretty sure we had a few really practical solutions—broaden the product line, hire cheaper labor and move. But we didn’t share our diagnosis and we didn’t give them any advice. We asked a question: Do you have specific problems you’d like help thinking through?

They did, and those weren’t the same problems we had been ready to solve. They wanted advice on creating a profit-sharing plan that would be pleasing and motivating to their college friends—those assemblers. They wondered how to find cheaper suppliers of organic materials, and by the way, they loved living and working in Cambridge—a different set of questions than we assumed. Our thoughts would have to wait until we developed a trusting professional relationship by addressing their questions.

We are a culture that values knowing and telling, and this often leads us into giving answers before we ask important questions about things like, what is the problem the other person wants to solve and how far have they gotten with possible solutions.  We tend to feel our status is enhanced by telling, that telling what we know shows our competence, or that just telling it speeds up problem solving and implementation.

We see this all the time in day-to-day interactions between leaders we work with and their teams. Recently a team member interrupted a meeting I was in with a company CEO. She asked, “What do you want me to do about the problem with the regulatory reports?”

He answered, “Like I told you, draft a response letter and show it to me.” When she left he expressed frustration, “How many times do I have to tell her?”

I asked if she would really know the answer to her own question, if she thought about it. He said she might. I asked what question he might ask that would force her to think it through. He came up with a reasonable initial question and began considering the effects of asking it. I then asked did he know if she was comfortable trying things without initially checking the details with him. He said he had never thought of asking her.

I didn’t need to suggest solutions to his problem; I needed to ask questions that neither of us knew the answer to. He didn’t need to tell his person what to do; he needed to find out what was getting in the way of her solving the problem on her own.

If you can actually stay curious, and demonstrate it by asking the right kind of questions, you encourage learning by both you and the other person. Being truly curious—humbly inquiring, not setting them up to answer your way—can help the other person drop their defensiveness and their need to know and begin to think.

Let me start this whole piece again.

How effective are you at getting other people to listen and learn when you keep telling them what to do?